Kiss Me, Kiss Me Not
by Eternally Seventeen
Summary: Luna, along with Ron and Hermione wonder how to reveal the rather strange news of his aunt Petunia's new boyfriend...who happens to be none other than Argus Filch. -Oneshot-


**A/N:** This really strange story is for Ashy's and Amber's Points and Prompts Competition :D I've actually used **ALL** the prompts and I don't think it's that great, but this is what my brain came up with...oh, well :P

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**Kiss Me, Kiss Me Not**

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You wander around the corridors of the lovely castle you now call home, brushing your fingers past each warm store and irregular crevice as you contemplate heading back to your common room. There is a book on the mystical creatures of the glades of Scotland that you want to read before the week comes to an end, so you bid goodbye to the walls and skip ahead.

"Is that Luna?"

"I'm pretty sure it is, Ronald."

"Oi, Luna!"

The whispers get louder and you turn around happily, recognising your friends Ron and Hermione. They don't look all that happy, though, and you wonder what's happened to make the smile slide off Ron's face especially.

"Hello, Hermione, hey there Ron," you greet them, smiling. But neither of them return it; in fact, Hermione almost looks like she wants to throw up.

A look passes between the two of them before they turn around to you once more.

"Say, Luna," Ron begins after clearing his throat multiple times, and you immediately know that something is wrong. Something was always wrong when Ron found it necessary to immaculately clear his throat of non-existent congestion.

You put what you hope is a comforting arm on his shoulder and lean forward with rapt attention.

"Tell me?"

He looks at Hermione again and just nods while she looks on mutely.

"You didn't come to Hogsmeade recently, did you?" Hermione eventually asks, and you look at her questioningly.

"On what day did you make this trip to Hogsmeade?"

"The weekend that just passed us by, Luna. The eighteenth of September." You think back to the day and then shake your head in response.

"No, I was feeding the Thestrals. Skeet – she's one of them, by the way – just had a baby, and I lost track of time."

Ron nods at you understandingly, but Hermione's expression just grows worse.

"Well…do you know if Harry came? To Hogsmeade, I mean. We saw him an hour or so before leaving, but he was being rather vague about the whole thing."

You were glad of the direction in which this conversation was going for now as you were able to provide the pair with some tangible answers. You decided that right about then, you would have done _anything _to put Hermione out of her obvious unease.

"Oh, he had an emergency quidditch training session; the silly boy forgot that they were playing Slytherin the coming weekend. You know how he gets about Slytherin matches." You roll your eyes fondly at the memory of Harry's passive-aggressive speeches that all centered on beating the robes off the Slytherin team all season. The looks of amusement that flit across Ron's and Hermione's faces tell you that they agree.

But Hermione taps Ron on the shoulder and the nervousness flies back to their faces. All this suspense is really frazzling your nerves by now. You chose to toss all the subtleties to the wind and tackle this in the way you're most comfortable with.

"Ron, Hermione, please tell me what's going on? No more beating around the bush," you add hastily before anyone gets any more ideas. You know that Harry is involved, somehow, and something tells you that _you're_ more deeply involved in this than they're letting on.

"Luna," Hermione squirms, but Ron mercifully takes over the conversation.

"You know about Harry's aunt, Petunia Dursley?" The name sets off images in your head as you recount the various midnight conversations between you and Harry where he finally told you all about the unpleasant relationship he had with his aunt and uncle.

"Yes, I do," you tell them, grimacing slightly. "Or at least, Harry has told me plenty to go on. What about her, Ron?"

"Well…it looks like she and, umm, _Filch_ have a thing for each other." He spat the words out like they were burning a hole through his tongue.

You blink because you simply don't know what to do with what you just heard. Or was it a result of those interfering wrackspurts?

"Ron, I believe I'm surrounded by wrackspurts as I just heard you say that…that Harry's aunt Petunia and Filch are…" you trail off as Hermione nods rather vehemently.

"No wrackspurts this time around, Luna." Her tone is grim and you know that she is imagining Harry's reaction to this piece of news. You're hardly able to wrap your head around it to begin with, and you know that you are tolerant to so much that most people aren't.

"No, that can't be write," you say, shaking your head. "Wait, how do you guys know this? Who told you?"

"That's the problem. It would have been easy to pass it off as a bloody rumour, had someone _told _it to us. No, we saw them together at Hogsmeade, didn't we, outside the Three Broomsticks? I saw her standing there in the crowd, and Filch soon joined her. They even _held hands _and everything!" Ron makes retching noises, and the mental image of that scene does worry you a little.

"Ron called out to me," Hermione continues. "He looked so stricken, I had to sit him down and force some butterbeer into his throat before he could even speak a word. It took him an entire hour to utter something sensible despite all that." Her face breaks out into a sudden grin and you can't help but smile.

"Anyways," Ron continues with a heavy sigh and you are plunged back to the unpleasant reality of Petunia Dursley actually dating Argus Filch.

"Poor Harry," you hear Hermione moan in the background.

"Yeah, and just as his life was getting better, too!"

The pair tut-tutted. "Clearly, fame isn't everything," Hermione concluded unhappily. "Harry's fate just seems to attract the most unfortunate of happenings, don't you think?"

But as you contemplate, suddenly it doesn't seem like something inexplicable or even wrong.

One was a muggle-born who never felt like she had her parents' love, and who was desperate to have magic after being constantly outshone by her younger sister. The other was a squib who only brought shame upon his family with his inability to produce magic and whose greatest pleasures in life were derived from punishing students day in and out.

Neither of them seemed to be in the happiest of places and you felt like it was only natural that two such souls gravitated towards each other eventually. Now that you think of it, you wonder how it didn't happen earlier.

Your friends were most definitely not on the same wavelength as you, however.

"I wish we could send the pair deep into the forbidden forest and watch them being carted off by the centaurs!" Hermione explodes and Ron sniggers.

"That was brilliant, you know that?"

"What?"

"You know, you giving frog-face Umbridge a dose of her own medicine." You silently agree with that.

Hermione blushes a little and Ron smiles warmly at her. Their obvious love for each other makes you miss Harry more, and you only wish that he'd hurry up and part with that broomstick of his if only for a few hours. You can't recall the last time that the two of you just spent a quiet afternoon together by the lake, and you feel a sudden pang of loss unfurl in the pit of your stomach.

"Harry!" Ron jumps visibly as Hermione calls out loudly. Your head swivels around automatically at the sight of Harry, Fred, George and Katie as they trudge towards you, looking absolutely exhausted but extremely happy. Harry positively beams at you and your heart flutters.

"Luna, Ron, Hermione!" Harry bids goodbye to the remaining members of his team and walks towards you. You take in the earthy scent of mud and rain and that peculiar flavour unique to Harry and smile contentedly, pecking him lightly on the cheek.

"Good game then, mate?" Ron clarifies, and Harry grins. "Oh, it was amazing! We have the best chasers in the whole of Europe, and Ron, your brothers are simply splendid! It's going to be hard when they leave school," he grumbles.

"Oh, well, lie goes on, doesn't it?" Hermione is back to being jumpy and you decide that it's time for Harry to know the truth regardless of this happy post-Quidditch glow that he's wearing. You notice that he's still clutching on to his broomstick and wonder if he would actually zoom away into the Forbidden Forest or somewhere equally prohibited in a fit of impulse should he get annoyed at what you were about to tell him.

_No, _you tell yourself very earnestly. _This is Harry we're talking about. He's been through stranger things! _

With that in mind, you place your arms on his shoulders, forcing him to look straight into your eyes. He looks a little startled and you mildly panic for a moment.

"Harry, we have something rather strange to tell you," you begin. "Well, it isn't really _all that strange, _seeing as we've all…well, seen much stranger - "

Hermione lets out an odd sound that's halfway between a cough and a snort and you look at her pleadingly. She sobers down while Harry's eyes flit between the two of you, alight with curiosity, and somehow you plough on.

"Look, how would you feel if…well, if your Aunt Petunia was dating someone?"

You partially cringe, half expecting an outburst but it never comes.

Harry only looks positively bewildered.

"Why would she date someone?" he asks. "She's married to Uncle Vernon!" He says it like it's the most obvious thing in the whole world and you fight a mad desire to laugh outright. Luckily, Hermione comes to your rescue.

"Harry, come on, don't be thick! People don't always stay true to their marriage," she explains, carefully enunciating on the last four words.

"But it's Aunt Petunia," he manages, flummoxed.

"Harry, she's dating Filch."

You try to ignore the stares that are boring holes through your skull and focus your attention to Harry instead.

"So let me get this straight," he ventured. "Petunia – _my _Aunt Petunia, mum's _sister _– is dating the _caretaker _at this school?"

When he puts it like that, you begin to think that the two are very, very wrong for each other.

"Harry," you begin, but stop at the sight of his shoulders shaking.

He laughs and laughs and laughs, and in between gasps manages to utter a question. "How did you guys find out?"

"Hogsmeade, mate," Ron says.

"Yeah, they were holding hands and everything!" Hermione chimes, but then she looks embarrassed and you grin.

"Erm, alright then, I'm off for the night," Ron suddenly says while glancing at Hermione pointedly, and she blushes once more. You decide that it is indeed a treat to the eyes to see her blush under Ron's lusty gaze and bid the pair a happy night, as does Harry.

"I'm glad you're alright though, Harry," Ron says, visibly relieved.

"I was honestly paranoid, Harry, I didn't want to add more on to your already laden plate with unpleasant news like this," Hermione added earnestly. "But, you know. This isn't something I could ever hide from you."

"I hope there's nothing you can ever hide from me, Hermione, except for…" he trails off pointedly with a smirk on his face and Hermione laughs.

"Oh, shut up, Harry." She moves towards the common rooms with Ron in tow. "Goodnight, guys!" you call out happily, and the pair in response.

"So, Harry," you nestle closer to him, reveling in the proximity. His arms are on your waist and you're slowly drowning in his emerald orbs.

"Kiss me, will you?" you whisper against his lips.

But the boy suddenly breaks all contact with you and bends over double, shaking with silent laughter.

"Harry?" you ask, slightly alarmed.

"Luna, Luna, I'm so sorry," he gasps, chortling.

"It's just – when you said that, all I could picture was Filch and Aunt Petunia, snogging away to their heart's content while pissed on firewhiskey!"

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_Do drop a review on your way out, please :) Would mean a lot to me!_


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